I can’t feel my heart beating anymore.
I died here….. I just didn’t realise it.
If I act happy, will I then become a happy person?
If I’m a happy person, will happy things happen around me?
I look back and always think about how negative I was, weak, upset, sad, depressed, drunk… and I think if I had just smiled, not thought ‘I need to drown my sorrows’ I would of had a happier time, made more friends, had more adventures and not been that loser everyone associated with drinking and crying.
I’m trying to change my outlook on life, to be happier, to be stronger.
To be the person that I want to be. That I want people to see me as, that people will want to like, love… but for that to happen I have to like and love myself.
And the first step is plucking up the courage to talk to D. Then I can go to South Korea and build myself again, properly. Like I never did after M nor before going university and leaving J.
I have to find the courage to do this, otherwise I fear I will be constantly pining over someone, a place or time.
I want to be mentally healthy and strong. Fixed and happy. And I have to do it myself. For myself.
I cannot bail out. I need to stop thinking it over in my head and just calmly, clearly go for it. Either way I’m leaving. And if he gets angry or doesn’t respond, it will kill me but I need to turn that to anger and his loss. And if he tells me what I need.. no what I want to hear well then I can breathe a sigh of relief in that it wasn’t all me.
And I can go with a clear head, never wondering ‘what if’
I’m torn,
Broken.
Drinking till it hurts. Eating till I choke.
I’m always the one that Loves more…..
Destroy me.
I just want to cut.
How sick is that…..
I’ve had a good evening, you haven’t text me back - i’m trying to stay calm, normal….. your out. God knows I can’t text when I’m drunk, but still. Be the man.
Pull it the fuck together. Convince me to stay.
Hold on tight.
Don’t let me go.
Otherwise I’ll let you go.
I know you don’t care at all… Why would you.
I’m nothing.
I’m not even worth cutting thats how low I am.
I don’t know if you deserve better, I just know anyone deserves better than me.
Glue can’t even hold me together for long.
I am not an am, I am not even a nothing.
I deserve no definition.
I hold so much inside, its a caged beast in my chest.
It claws at my throat.
Tallons ripping, pulling, roaring to get out.
To tell those what I think, to hurt them, to shame them.
I want to see them hurt.
My honest cruelty, reflected in their realisation.
When it breaks free, I’ll be alone.
A pacified beast. Only shame, cruelty and embarressment as its company.
I want to eat until I choke. I want to cut until I’m drained. I want to throw up until I bleed. I itch and ache. My skin tares, my feet stumble-like lead weights. I can’t breathe without you, but I only gulp down air when your near.
